It would be disingenuous for any self-identifying millennial to sit here 24 years later and doubt the merits of what was considered cool in 1991. We're talking about a year in which Color Me Badd scored a No. 1 hit while looking like this and a time when grown ass adults were running around saying things like "Hasta La Vista, Baby". It was, objectively, a strange time to be alive.
This was the year "Nevermind" came out, the year the Bulls won their first NBA championship, and, most importantly, the year Scottie Pippen released the most mesmerizing local sandwich shop commercial in the proud history of this fine city. The entire thing is brilliant and needs to be preserved forever so future generations can appreciate its wonder.
The commercial opens with a simple premise: Scottie Pippen dribbling a basketball around an upright sandwich like its a traffic cone.
Pippen is overwhelmed the shear size of the sandwich he's encountered and decides he cannot conquer it alone. "This is one 6-footer I can't handle one-on-one," Scottie begins. "Ladies, let's have a party."
He is then promptly greeted by two cheerleaders -- Kim and Cheryl -- who proceed to take down the sandwich at center court:
The math on all of this checks out. Pippen is a world class athlete in the prime of his career, but even he can't be expected to finish a full six-foot sandwich by his lonesome. That's preposterous.
Then things start getting weird.
Pippen closes the commercial by dunking a basketball through a hoop -- as one will -- until the basketball magically turns into a sandwich as it enters the rim. Mr. Submarine has officially entered the realm of fantasy.
It's more of a parable than a commercial, really. Like Luke said:
some days you're Scottie Pippen, and some days you're the delicious Mr. Submarine sandwich being forcefully slam dunked by Scottie Pippen.— luka (@lukavino) July 14, 2015
Now excuse me, I need to go find myself a sub sandwich.