We know that the Bulls are holding a press conference today at 2 p.m about...something. We know that something is supposedly a "major announcement." But until 2 p.m., that something could be anything. The entire situation, for whatever reason, reminds me of this scene from The Simpsons, which should effectively set the mood here:
Everybody knows exactly what's going on today. General manager Gar Forman and Vice President of Basketball Operations John Paxson have fooled not a single soul, even before official word broke last night. So let us pretend for a moment. Let us ponder up some outrageous scenarios and act as though the Bulls are going to surprise us today at this press conference. Please, by all means, add some of your own scenarios in the comments below. Lord knows we deserve to laugh at this franchise for the clown show they've put on.
Relocating the franchise to Ames, Iowa
They say home is where the heart is. And Chicago's heart is quite clearly located in Ames, Iowa. Upon doing some of my best detective work to date, it appears that not only does the soon-to-be head coach have deep ties to the city of Ames and Iowa State University, but so does Doug McDermott, the guy GarPax traded five draft picks to acquire! And just when you thought it couldn't get any stranger, guess who else went to Iowa State? Yup, Gar Forman. Throw in the fact Kirk Hinrich is from Sioux City, Iowa, and that's four of the five most influential non-Reinsdorf-named-people within the Bulls organization being from Ames!
See, all you gotta do is conduct some very thorough, very extensive investigative journalism and it all starts adding up. The Bulls, in their heart-of-hearts, just want to be a kid from Ames.
Oh, and by the way, I'm saying Kirk is from Ames because it's basically the same thing as people from the suburbs saying that they're from Chicago out of convenience. Most outsiders don't know the difference between Lincoln Park and Highland Park. So, by saying you're from Chicago, it just saves everyone the hassle. Sure, Ames and Sioux City are 180 miles apart, but unless you're from Iowa, who cares? Only locals get fiercely specific about these types of things.
But anyway, this is just one theory behind what the "major announcement" could be. I'm setting odds at +300.
John Paxson is releasing a diss track aimed at Jeff Van Gundy
For those unacquainted, Jeff Van Gundy treats head coaches like Hawk Harrelson treats Carl Yastrzemski: God-like. Both Van Gundy and Harrelson hold unmitigated biases which are as impressive as they are obnoxious. However, on occasion, they can actually be pretty funny due to their predictable yet unfiltered nature. Like, who could forget the time Van Gundy dropped the heat on Paxson?
"He was so pissed I thought I traded LaMarcus Aldridge for Tyrus Thomas and not him" was more fire than anything Kendrick said on "Control"— Ricky O'Donnell (@SBN_Ricky) June 2, 2015
I'll tell ya who hasn't forgotten: John Paxson. I mean the man turned Van Gundy's comments into a MUCH bigger ordeal than entirely necessary. So what the commentator who is a blatant homer for coaches protected a fellow coach? Handle the matter privately, like professionals, for once.
But since we've got a "major announcement" on our hands, I'm putting a Paxson diss track at +1000. When Kendrick Lamar's verse on "Control" hit the internet, we had rappers from North, South, East and West coming out of the woodwork. Iman Shumpert even responded to Kendrick! And since Paxson is exactly the kind of person who A) will forever hold a grudge, and B) demand people take him seriously despite his hilariously petty reputation -- I could see it as a long shot.
The Bulls want to belittle the President
Barack Obama has been on Twitter for about two weeks now, and upon entering the Twitterverse, he famously followed every major Chicago sports team besides the Cubs. A dick move of presidential proportions. But even in the infant stages of the President's Twitter feed, we've already learned one important thing relating to the Bulls: the President is a fan of Tom Thibodeau:
Unfortunately, neither Paxson nor Forman are on Twitter. So calling a "major announcement" would be the best way to appropriately address the President flagrantly disrespecting the organization. Because if there's one thing GarPax has made abundantly clear it's that nobody gets away with failing to acknowledge the greatness that is GarPax. That includes you too, Mr. President. Better tread lightly though, GarPax. The unfollow button is right there. +500
Kirk Hinrich is retiring?
A "major announcement" doesn't seem grandiose enough for if Kirk were to retire today. And how could it? No "major announcement" or parade or statue or Nobel Peace Prize could ever fully capture what grit really means to Forman, Paxson and Reinsdorf.
So, maybe, the Bulls are going to give him a contract extension or something? OH GOD! NO ODDS. WE ARE MOVING ON AND NEVER SPEAKING OF THIS SCENARIO AGAIN.
They're going to apologize for how they handled everything leading up to firing Tom Thibodeau