(Just for fun, of course)
In another stroke of coaching genius, Chicago Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau has found a way to inspire better play from his 75 million dollar power forward.
"We noticed Carlos wasn't playing very aggressively," Thibodeau stated. "He wasn't dunking the ball, wasn't playing any defense, and seemed afraid of any physical contact at the rim. He also has been trying to grow his hair out. Have you seen it? It looks..... weird."
The Chicago Bulls head coach held a private meeting with Boozer last week to try to inspire more rugged play from the physically imposing power forward. During this meeting, an absolutely startling discovery was made.
Carlos Boozer, a once bruising NBA power forward, had come to believe he was in fact--- a 14 year old girl.
"It explains a lot," Bulls puppet GM Gar Forman said. "Carlos was always fading away from the basket, trying weird finger rolls and floaters when he should have been finishing strong. Also, he was also very concerned about who was taking him to the Queen of Saints High School Valentine's Dance."
Thibodeau, the 2011 NBA Coach of the Year, then had an amazing idea.
They should remind Carlos Boozer that he is indeed a muscular and imposing 6'9 250lb man.
The coaching staff approached Boozer last week with this information. "We found him texting in the locker room, listening to Justin Bieber, and drawing hearts with the name Billy in his Chicago Bulls playbook," John Paxson stated. "He kept calling me Dad and telling me to get out of his room. It was a little odd." Finally Bulls coaches were able to persuade Carlos Boozer to look into a mirror by promising him a Volkswagon Jetta when he turns 16.
"Holy Crap I'm a giant black dude!" Boozer reportedly exclaimed.
Since Boozer's shocking realization, his play has greatly improved. His scoring average has increased and his defense has went from piss poor to below average. Shockingly, he is hustling for loose balls and even fouled an opposing player so hard that it didn't result in a three point play opportunity.
"Booz still thinks he is playing for a high school girl's JV team sometimes," said reigning MVP Derrick Rose. "During the New Jeresy game he kept telling Kris Humphries he was crushing on him and asked for some Kardashian's autograph. Halftime is important because we just sit him in the front of the mirror and tell him to get his head straight."
When reached for comment Boozer began violently rocking his head from side to side and yelling, "Gimme that! Go get it Jo------ AND ONE!"
As of print time, no word was given on whether Boozer was able to get Billy to ask him to the dance or not.