It’s Saint Patrick’s Day in New Jersey(and the rest of the country strangely) and so as you read this guide drunk off of green beer take in everything as factual, because it clearly is.
The Bulls started the season 0-1 and since then have won 48 of 65, and sit not so comfortably on top of the East. Next.
The Bulls are currently tied in the season series with the Nets 1-1. The first time we played we won handily as Derrick Rose had his worst performance of the year scoring a meager 850 points in their 900-8.1 victory. The next time the Bulls faced the Nets without actually playing any actual people and only using Thibs vivid imagination. Surprisingly to all the Bulls lost 2-0 when Thibs sneezed and blew over Sasha Vujacic, who then received an Academy Award.
New to this match-up is Deron Williams relocating to this multi-verse to try and defeat Derrick Rose and become "The One".
Free Jolly Ranchers after the Jump
Normally this is the Part where I go into why Derrick Rose is the best ever, but in honor of Saint Patrick and those little green guys with gold I’ll skip that and go into the stuff everyone wants to hear about, THE BACK UPS. Drunken fans rejoice as I share with you these basketball facts as recorded in my mind.
Back Up Match Ups
CJ "My Name is Not Earl" Watson vs. Jordan "The Corn" Farmar
While CJ is not busy trying to right his wrongs and balance his karma he spends most of his time trying to figure out what his initials stand for. To this date no one knows. Jordan is currently the biggest producer of ethanol in the country that was named in his honor.
Ronnie "Micro" Brewer vs. Sasha "Feeling Kinda" Vujacic
While some would think Ronnie Brewer would make most of his millions playing Basketball they would be wrong. Ronnie Brewer is most famous perhaps for inventing Breweries and Beer. His awesome invention has lead to him being a multi-trillionaire. This is fact. He wins this match up simply because he attends all games drunk and Sasha exclusively drinks Wine Coolers and Watermelon Flavor Smirnoffs.
Kyle "Punk’D" Korver vs. Travis "Save a Horse" Outlaw
While not hosting a TV show making fun of celebrities Ashton Kutcher switches to his stage name of Kyle Korver and is a 3pt specialist for the Chicago Bulls. Meanwhile Travis Outlaw blew his back out lifting the pen to sign his hefty contract.
Taj "Electric Guitar" Gibson (Taj "Mahal" Gibson is also acceptable) vs. Someone without a hard hat
Hard hat, lunch pail. For two years now Taj Gibson has earned this nickname because he is the only NBA player to bring a cold lunch to every game after coming from his full-time construction job. Packed with protein and primed with sugar his Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich lets him win any match-up.
Omer "The Perky Turkey" Asik (also known as ASDF) vs. Dan "What is a Basketball?" Gadzuric
Omer might as well pre-heat the oven to 325° and insert the turkey because this match-up analysis is over.(Oh yeah the other guy, well let’s just say Dan couldn’t shoot a basketball into the Grand Canyon and he gets paid 7 mil a year to do it.)
Advantage: All Bulls, I in fact would bet all my green beer on it!
Bulls 100 Nets 88
(Bulls fans boo in bars and at home as they wish they had free Big Macs in New Jersey)
Scalabrine sets NBA record with 100 3s and 303 points in a game(In his head).
Yo Quiero Taco Bell
Remember to be safe happy hour starts earlier on The Day of the Irish