Bill Simmons on Dwight Howard & the Bulls

On The Ninth Day of NBA Christmas, Bill Simmons looks at the 5 teams most likely to trade for Dwight Howard.

1 through 3 were the teams on the list: Lakers, Mavericks and Nets. Clippers (Team he thinks has the best package available for Howard) came in a 4.

And at 5 . . .

5. Chicago Bulls

And here's why the Dwight Howard era makes me nervous. As I've written before, God doles out the "complete car wash package" to only a handful of athletes. We love the ones who take care of it; we resent the ones who don't. Through seven years, Howard displayed every skill except one: an ongoing thirst to dominate everyone else. Shaq drifted through his career, made excuses, only intermittently stayed in shape and made a point to care about a variety of things — not just basketball — but during the 2000, 2001 and 2002 playoffs, history will show that he annihilated everyone in his path. (Same for Hakeem in the 1994 and 1995 playoffs, Moses in the 1983 playoffs … the list goes on and on.) Dwight hasn't had that moment yet. Never jumped a level when it mattered. Never dragged his teammates to a better place, made them feel invincible, made his opponents say, "Once that guy gets going, we're helpless." If anything, those opponents swung the other way, allowed him to get his stats and concentrated on shutting down everyone else (like Atlanta did last spring).

Quite simply, it's been weird to watch. The numbers say one thing; our eyes say something else. We're watching someone take care of the "complete car wash package," but not totally. And that infamous trade list summed everything up. How could the Chicago Bulls NOT be on it?

How could Howard not be thinking, "Get me to Chicago, I could win right away!"

How could Howard be looking at this NBA landscape without saying, "Maybe it's a good idea for me to team up with Derrick Rose, the 23-year-old MVP?"

How could someone in his camp not point out to him, "Hey Dwight, if you pushed for the Bulls, they could offer Joakim Noah, Luol Deng, Omer Asik, salary-cap filler and two no. 1 picks and take back your deal and Turkoglu's deal, and you'd still have Rose, Carlos Boozer, Rip Hamilton, Kyle Korver, Taj Gibson, whatever veterans they can bring in AND the best defensive coach in the league?"

And if you're picking a cold-weather team based on markets, point guards and branding opportunities, how could you pick Brooklyn (living in the shadow of the Knicks), Deron Williams, this goofy Nets ownership, a lousy supporting cast and a franchise with a sad-sack history over Chicago (the third-biggest market), Rose (better and younger than Williams), a better supporting cast, a shrewd ownership and one of the most rabid fan bases in the league?

Put it this way: If I'm Dwight Howard, I'm thinking about titles and titles only. I don't care about money — that's coming, regardless. I don't care about weather — I have to live in whatever city for only eight months a year, and I'm traveling during that entire time, anyway. I don't care about "building my brand" and all that crap — if I don't start winning titles soon, my brand is going to be "the center who's much better than every other center but can't win a title." I care only about playing in a big city, finding a team that doesn't have to demolish itself to acquire me, finding one All-Star teammate who can make my life a little easier (the Duncan to my Robinson), and winning titles. Not title … titles. I want to come out of this decade with more rings than anyone else. I want to be remembered alongside Shaq, Moses and Hakeem, not Robinson and Ewing.

If you're looking at it like that, Chicago has to be the choice. Two summers ago, I thought LeBron copped out by joining forces with his biggest rival; it just seemed peculiar that the most talented player of his generation, and possibly ever, would willingly become the Robin to someone else's Batman. Howard's trade list was peculiar for a different reason: Either he doesn't follow the league, cares about the wrong things, has the wrong people advising him, or all of the above. Because I can't imagine, for the life of me, why Dwight Howard wouldn't be scheming to become Derrick Rose's teammate right now.

As a basketball fan, I'm disappointed. As a Celtics fan, I'm delighted. Either way, the way he ignored Chicago tells me everything I need to know about Dwight Howard. Wherever he lands, that team will definitely win. I just don't know if it'll win. And neither do you.

I don't quite understand it. It seems as if every time a superstar hits the market, Chicago is the most logical choice. Not just to us fans, but to every critic or pundit. Who advises these people? What kind of era is this? Don't they ever read this kinda shit and think to themselves, "What the fuck am I thinking?"

I'd say let's just wait for the next one, but this might be the last one for a few more years.