Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

I swear, some of you guys have gotten so sick of hearing about Deng, Hinrich, Taj and Miller's fundamentals that you've swung completely the other way. "Give me your headcases!" you cry. "Give me your unrealized potential, lanky string beans who can jump out of the gym but cannot dribble! What's this? A staid, marginally athletic big man who shoots 15-footers and defends solidly, but has never dunked on anyone's head or blocked a shot into the thirteenth row and screamed? Away with you!

"And you there, the Duke grad who puts in a quiet 18 points every game, provides smart defense and rarely plays outside himself. Don't you know people only want histrionic babies who scream at the coach? You should be more like that old teammate of yours, who always took that 16th shot whether he was 13-15 or 2-15 and derided his 6th man status. I'm sure he's off winning championships now- wait, what's that? Detroit? Oh dear.

"At any rate, the two slow white guys definitely have to go. That taller one is probably 400 years old by now! Who wants to see a solid passer who draws big men away from the basket when we could be seeing "flashes" from a player 2 times younger, 10 times faster, 20 times more athletic and 50 times dumber with a basketball in his hands? And that short one, ye gods! Certainly there's no merit to having two excellent ball-handlers in the backcourt when we could be pairing our young star up with a heedless chucker who will teach him that the only points will get you glory!

"What's that about defense? No, sir, you are mistaken. I know defense when I see it. Defense is spectacular steals that lead to highlight reel breakaway dunks, not forcing a missed shot. Yes, I remember the good old days, when the tall, skinny one and the short, fat one showed us "flashes" for four years. Remember the championships we won! Wait, one playoff appearance? Didn't make it to the second round? Well, at least the tall one is doing great things in New Orleans- what? Quit interrupting. Charlotte? But he and Paul- oh. And the fat one's still in New York? How's he- really? He's even heavier? That is unfortunate. Well, look on the bright side- at least both of our skinny ones are in the same place!"

I exaggerate, obviously, but seriously, you should listen to yourself sometimes.