"Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.."
(T-wolves fans? Welcome. Clippers fans? Have some hot soup.)
This started as an email to my buddy for his Bull-mitzvah, which I am sponsoring. I'm posting it here because we are about to go on a huge tear*, assuming we don't play like we did against Cleveland the other night, and a lot of people are going jump on board once they notice that we don't suck and have exciting players. I'm down. Spread the message. Don't scoff, lifers - people from poorer, shittier NBA nations will probably work harder than you for less pay. They definitely won't boo a victory because they didn't get their damn cheeseburger.
Whether you don't have any NBA loyalties, or you decided to quit your bullshit team and get a real one, welcome. Know the basics:
1. DRose: Get up or get out the way. Chicago's grimiest dude.
2. Noah: Enough said. [True story: I told my friend Charlie like five minutes before the game, "If Noah plays hard tonight, I will never say anything bad about him again."]
3. Boozaahh: His lack of D is more than made up for by his post game (and his bear tattoo). He's already shown he can be The Guy when Rose is off, and that's good news. He once left LeBron hanging just like "the king" did to Cleveland - I wonder if some Cavs fan who sees the big picture planted that gym bag in his hallway...
4. Deng: Here's the thing about Lu - he exists in Bulls fan limbo. He just made a shot? We love Lu! He turned the ball over? Ship his ass out! This is partly his fault - he's been known for years to put up 30 one night and 6 the next with no explanation. Two things that are certain: he's much, much better suited to being the third offensive option than the second, and he is a great defender and "locker room presence". If it wasn't for his huge contract he'd be much beloved.
5. Taj: We like this guy. Now you do too. He is "hard hat lunch pail" (see below). He is also our best trade bait, which is a sad, sad thing, but you gotta break eggs to make an omelet. And by an omelet I mean, a starting lineup with five offensive players (see Bogans, Keith).
6. Sheek: Omer Asik. Say it slow. Oh (like the letter) Mare (think horses) Ah (open wide) Sheek (islamic leader). There you go. Good job.
7. Rest of team: ...is fine. Korver's J is Beyonce, but he's lousy on D. Brewer is fun to watch and needs to start. Watson can get hot but isn't really a PG. Bogans, Keith is a decent defender who apparently once made an offensive contribution in an NBA game - although no evidence exists and all witnesses are now deceased. Kurt Thomas is old. James Johnson is awesome, kinda...i'm gonna steal somebody's description, can't remember whose, of JJ: he plays D, rebounds, gets steals, has some highlight-worthy dunks, runs all over the place, etc., but when he has to handle the ball he is "a walking turnover". John Lucas III cannot seriously be on our roster. Kyle Weaver is playing, for some reason, for our D-league affiliate. He's probably raw, but who cares, Lucas III is no good and really neither is Bogans.
8. Brian "the moving screen" Scalabrine: his job is to be another point of contention between me and people who can afford Bulls tickets. They chant for him. Why?
Obey, or Benny the Bull will eat your children.
1. There will be no cheering of the Celtics, or anyone associated with them, in any way, ever.
2. Unless they are playing the Heat.
3. The 2009 1st round playoff series between the Chicago Bulls and Boston Celtics was the greatest playoff series ever.
4. Hard hat lunch pail: scrappy, "grimy", 48-minute, play-defense, hate-the-Celtics basketball.
5. Mike > Kobe.
6. MJ > LBJ.
7. Kirk Hinrich is an honorary Bull.
8. The Clippers? and VDN? Hahahahaha
9. You are not allowed to join the fundamentalist death sect until the Bulls are bad.
Special Blog-a-Bull rule number 10: On game nights, this site turns into an openly hostile environment populated by bitter degenerates. By entering the game thread, you have acknowledged that your age, gender, race, creed, religion, etc., can all be used against you in retaliation for such comments as "What channel is the game on?" You have been warned.
That's it! Please leave your names and addresses in the comments section so that, if the Bulls do really well this year and you decide to cheer for them, and then they come out flat next season and we don't hear from you, and someone spots you in a bar wearing your old team's jersey, we can come to your house and kill you. Thanks!
*if you want to feel good about something, look at the schedule for the rest of December.