Gordon's Next Move Revealed!

This from numerous, well-informed anonymous sources:

"Today it was announced that Ben Gordon, formally of the Chicago Bulls, would forgo the rest of his basketball career to dedicate himself to his numerous business ventures, foremost among them the refreshing sports/tea drink, BG7.

Said Gordon: ’I’ve always thought of myself as equal parts businessman and basketball player, and clearly the time has come to transition myself into this new and exciting role. After leading the team in scoring for the past three seasons, I’m physically exhausted, and unrewarded financially. BG-7 solves both my problems.’

This marks the end of a long and arduous negotion with Bulls management, who used the luxury tax to entrench themselves defensively.  Gordon and his numerous agents went on the offensive admirably - contacting teams for sign-and-trades, looking for options overseas - but in the end the shot-clock simply expired. 

Gordon said he will miss professional basketball, but not the grueling hours in the gym, or the media scrutiny it entails.

‘Bloggers, man. Smart-asses. Do they know how the market works? Do they know what it’s like to play for Scott Skiles?" After a long sip of the florescent, florally-scented sports beverage, the original BG-7 finally managed to smile. “But I’ve got a new team now. I’m set. Russians are crazy about tea.’”